Most parents ask about the children before they ask about the money, and usually before they ask about themselves. If the thing keeping you up is whether your kids will still feel close to you afterward, that fear is normal and it is worth answering carefully. Here is the practical side, plus the parts the court will actually require of you.
How Do You Tell Kids About Divorce?
Tell them together if you safely can, once rather than in pieces, in plain words, and lead with what is staying the same before you get to what is changing.
A rough order that works for most families.
- Agree on the wording first. Two parents telling slightly different stories is harder on a child than the news itself.
- Pick a low stakes time. Not a school night at bedtime, not right before a holiday, and not in a car.
- Say it plainly and briefly. Children need the fact more than they need the explanation.
- Lead with the constants. Their school, their room, their friends, both parents. Say what you actually know and do not promise what you do not.
- Say clearly that it is not about them. Then say it again next week, because once is not enough.
- Leave the door open. Most of the real questions arrive days later, sideways, while you are doing something else.
You do not have to do this perfectly. You have to do it honestly and more than once.
What Should You Never Say to Your Kids About a Divorce?
Anything about the case itself, and anything that asks a child to take a side, because both have a way of turning up inside the case later.
This is the part a law firm can tell you that a parenting article cannot. In a contested custody matter, what your children have been told tends to surface. It comes out through a guardian ad litem, through a counselor, or through the children repeating a phrase to the other parent that they could only have got from you.
So, six things to keep off the table.
- The filings, the hearings and the lawyers. Children do not need the procedural status of their parents’ case.
- The other parent’s conduct. Whatever happened between the adults stays between the adults.
- Messages. Do not ask a child to pass anything to the other parent, including logistics. Use an app or email.
- Where they want to live. Asking puts a child in the middle, and telling them a judge will ask puts them under pressure.
- Documents and texts. Do not show them court paperwork or messages, and do not leave them where they will be found.
- Reassurance you cannot back up. Promising a schedule that has not been decided means breaking it later.
None of this is about being cautious for its own sake. It is that a child carrying adult information is both harder on the child and worse for the case.
Will Your Relationship With Your Children Change?
The schedule changes. The relationship does not have to, and the part of it you control is larger than it feels right now.
Some plain honesty about what we are and are not qualified to say. We are a family law firm, not a counseling practice, and we are not going to tell you what a divorce does to a child’s development. That is a question for someone who works with children, and anyone offering you a confident answer to it on a law firm’s website is out of their lane.
What we can tell you is what actually changes.
- Time gets scheduled. Evenings and weekends that used to be assumed become written down, which is an adjustment for everyone and is also the point of a parenting plan.
- Logistics get formal. Exchanges, holidays and school breaks move from improvisation to a calendar.
- Communication changes shape. Most co-parents end up communicating more deliberately and less often, which is usually an improvement.
Our child custody page covers how those arrangements get built.
Does the Court Make You Take a Parenting Class?
Yes, in Missouri the court is required to order it, and in St. Louis County it has a name and a deadline.
Under RSMo 452.605, “the court shall, except for good cause, unless otherwise provided by local rule, order the parties to attend educational sessions” about how custody and dissolution affect children. It is not discretionary as a starting point.
In St. Louis County, Rule 68.4 establishes the Parent Education Program in accordance with RSMo 452.600 to 452.610. Attendance is mandatory for “all parties to actions for dissolution of marriage, paternity, custody or visitation,” and for all parties to a motion to modify a prior judgment in any of those. The program is described as designed to help families cope with “changes resulting from the court custody process and the effect of this process on their children.”
Two practical points.
- Proof has a deadline. Certification of attendance is due “at the time of the submission of a Judgment in a non-contested matter or on the first day of a contested hearing.” Doing it early removes a reason for a judge to send you away.
- Children can be ordered in too. RSMo 452.605 also lets a court require minor children to attend age appropriate sessions. Most parents do not know that is available.
Plenty of parents come out of the class saying it was more useful than they expected. Go early rather than the week before a hearing.
What Is Domestic Relations Services in St. Louis County?
It is a court resource for building a custody plan, not a counseling or support service, and understanding the difference saves disappointment.
Rule 68 refers to Domestic Relations Services in two places. It appears as a referral under 68.6(5)(D), and under 68.14(5)(c) as an alternative dispute resolution option where parties may be ordered to work with Domestic Relations Services “for the purposes of developing a custody plan.”
So the role is plan drafting and dispute resolution rather than emotional support. If what you need is support for yourself or for your children, that comes from a counselor, and the parent education program above is the court’s own contribution on that side. Private mediation is the other route when parents are close but stuck.
How Long Will the Children Be in Limbo?
Longer than you want and more predictably than it feels, because St. Louis County publishes the milestones even though it cannot promise an end date.
Under Rule 68, the responding party files financial statements within sixty days of service or entry of appearance, a conference with the court is scheduled no later than seventy five days after that same date, and a Form 15 on mediation status is due at ninety days.
So the first few months have shape. What does not have a fixed date is the finish, which depends on how much is genuinely in dispute and on the court’s calendar. Our page on how long a divorce takes in Missouri goes through the whole range.
For the children, the useful thing is usually not a date. It is a stable weekly rhythm while the date is unknown.
What Helps Most While the Case Is Open?
Routine, and keeping the other parent in the picture.
- Protect the ordinary things. Same school, same activities, same bedtime where you can manage it.
- Actively support their relationship with your co-parent. It matters to your children, and courts notice which parent does this.
- Get the parenting class done early. It is required anyway.
- Find your own support, separately. Your children should not be the place you process this.
- Put the schedule in writing sooner rather than later, even informally, so the children know what next week looks like.
Who Can Help With Custody in St. Louis?
The most useful early conversation is about your actual week and your children’s actual routine, not about legal standards.
Bardol Law Firm practices only family law, and we are in the Clayton, St. Louis City, St. Charles and Jefferson County courts regularly, so we know what the St. Louis County Family Court asks of parents and when. Tell us what your children’s week looks like now and we will tell you what a workable plan looks like and what the court will expect from you along the way. Our other family law questions and answers cover what comes next.
You are clearly already thinking about your kids first, which is the part that matters most and the part nobody can do for you. Every client gets a named paralegal on the file, and we generally return calls within one business day. Call 314.918.0100 or reach us through our contact page. Family Law, Simplified. Fill out the form or call to set up a consultation.
This page is general information about Missouri law and is not legal advice. Every case turns on its own facts. The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely upon advertisements.