If you are somewhere between trying to save your marriage and accepting that it is over, counseling comes up fast, and the terms get used loosely. Here is what divorce counseling actually is, how it differs from couples counseling, and the one thing a Missouri court can and cannot make you do.
What Is Divorce Counseling?
Divorce counseling is therapy aimed at getting through a separation well rather than at saving the marriage, covering the emotional, practical and co-parenting side of uncoupling.
It can be done as a couple or on your own, and most people who do it end up doing both at different points. The goal is not reconciliation. The goal is that the separation happens in a way you can live with afterwards, especially if you share children.
What Is the Difference Between Couples Counseling and Divorce Counseling?
The difference is the goal. Couples counseling works on a relationship that is continuing. Divorce counseling works on a separation that is happening.
Couples counseling is generally about communication, connection and repair, and it depends on both people being willing to change. Where only one person wants the relationship to continue, it usually cannot do what it is designed to do.
Divorce counseling starts from a different premise. The relationship as a marriage is ending, and the work is about handling that without damaging what has to survive it. For parents, that is a co-parenting relationship that lasts long after the case closes.
Plenty of people move from one to the other. That transition is often the moment the decision becomes conscious rather than the moment anything new happens.
What Are the 3 Types of Divorce Counseling?
Three arrangements cover almost everything people mean by the term.
- Couples counseling with the relationship as the goal. Still trying. Both people engaged in changing something.
- Joint counseling with the separation as the goal. Both people in the room, but the work is on communication, handovers, and keeping anger away from the children. Useful where you will have to keep dealing with each other, whether because of children or because of something like a shared business.
- Individual counseling. The most common by a wide margin. Ending a marriage brings up grief, anger, guilt and fear even for the person who initiated it, and individual work gives that somewhere to go other than into the case or onto the children.
Can a Missouri Court Require You to Go to Counseling?
No. A Missouri court can suggest counseling but it cannot make finishing your divorce depend on it.
RSMo 452.320 is explicit. Where one party denies the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court may “continue the matter for further hearing not less than thirty days or more than six months later” and “may suggest to the parties that they seek counseling.” But the same section says courts “shall not require counseling as a condition precedent to a decree.”
So counseling is a suggestion, never a gate.
What About the Parenting Class, Is That Different?
Completely different, and that one is mandatory.
Under RSMo 452.605, “the court shall, except for good cause, unless otherwise provided by local rule, order the parties to attend educational sessions” on how custody and dissolution affect children. In St. Louis County that is the Parent Education Program under Rule 68.4, required of all parties in dissolution, paternity, custody and visitation cases, with proof due when a judgment is submitted or on the first day of a contested hearing.
Worth holding those two side by side, because people mix them up constantly.
- Marriage counseling. Suggested at most. Never required as a condition of your divorce.
- The parenting class. Ordered as a matter of course when there are children, with a filing deadline attached.
Doing the second one early is free of downside. Doing the first one is entirely your call.
Does Going to Counseling Affect Your Divorce Case?
Usually not, but it is worth asking your lawyer before you start rather than after.
Three honest points.
- Ask about records before you begin. Whether anything from counseling could become an issue depends on what ends up in dispute in your case. That question has a real answer, and it is specific to your situation, so ask it rather than assuming either way.
- Individual counseling is generally the least complicated option. It is about you rather than about the marriage or the children.
- Do not go in order to build a record. Counseling entered into as a strategy tends to be poor counseling and poor strategy at the same time.
Should You Try Counseling Before Filing?
That is genuinely your decision, and we do not have a stake in it.
Some people need to know they tried. Some have already tried for years. Some are past the point where it would help and know it. All three are reasonable places to be.
What we will say is this. Counseling is not a prerequisite to filing, filing is not irreversible in the sense people fear, and doing counseling does not weaken your position if you later decide to move forward. If it would help you feel settled about the decision, that is reason enough on its own.
Where the decision is genuinely open, some people find mediation useful once they have decided, because it keeps the process lower conflict. That is a different thing from counseling and it is not a substitute for it.
How Do You Find a Counselor in St. Louis?
Look for someone licensed who works with separation and co-parenting specifically, because it is a different skill from general couples work.
A few things worth asking on a first call.
- Are they licensed in Missouri, and does that matter for how you plan to meet.
- Do they regularly work with separating parents, as opposed to couples generally.
- Do they offer telehealth. A lot of good practices are now remote, which widens your options considerably.
- Will they see you individually as well as jointly, or is one or the other their only model.
- What it costs, and whether they take your insurance. Ask on the first call, not the third session.
We are happy to suggest names when a client asks. We do not publish a referral list, because who is a good fit depends on your situation and because a list on a web page goes stale.
Who Can Help With a Divorce in St. Louis?
The legal side and the emotional side are separate jobs, and it helps to have the right person doing each one.
Bardol Law Firm practices only family law, and we are in the Clayton, St. Louis City, St. Charles and Jefferson County courts regularly. We are not counselors and we will not pretend to be. What we can do is tell you plainly what the legal process involves, what the court will require of you, and what your options look like, whether you file next month or next year. Our page on Missouri divorce laws covers the process, and our other family law questions and answers cover what comes next.
There is no wrong time to ask a question. Every client gets a named paralegal on the file, and we generally return calls within one business day. Call 314.918.0100 or reach us through our contact page. Family Law, Simplified. Fill out the form or call to set up a consultation.
This page is general information about Missouri law and is not legal advice. Every case turns on its own facts. The choice of a lawyer is an important decision and should not be based solely upon advertisements.